In You
by Kyndred.Raven
Summary: All one needs to conquer fear is to keep company with fear itself. That is what you've taught me. But perhaps today, we will both learn something new. (Solas/Lavellan)


**A/N: **Written in a moment of inspiration for my friends and wonderful readers on the Bioware forums, Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter :)

* * *

><p><strong>.<strong>

**In You**

**.**

* * *

><p>.<p>

.

.

.

I see you in the snow.

I hear you in the wind.

I feel you in the earth.

Here in the wilderness, your presence is the strongest. Here in the forest, there is no way to escape from you. When you speak, your voice melts through me. When you touch me, my body quivers. What is this? What name can I give to this sensation? Ever since you took my hand that day at the Breach, I haven't been able to forget the texture of your skin. You enthrall me with your movements – slow, elegant, and efficient. Not a single motion is wasted. And you call _me_ graceful? Next to you, I feel like a clumsy bear just waking from a season of hibernation.

And the magic that I sense coursing through your soul?

It's beautiful.

And yet, it's sad.

It's lonely.

_You_ are lonely.

Solitude echoes in all the stories you share with me. You've traversed the Fade. You've seen the history of this world written in stone, magic, and memory. You've seen things I can never imagine or even fathom. At times, I imagine you walking through the ages of this world, so light that not a single footprint remains. I imagine you passing through time, watching the world grow, and attaining endless knowledge.

All alone.

So very alone.

I want to ask you why. But, like all the times before this one, I don't have the courage. There's something unreachable about you – something unattainable and too sacred to disturb. It's as though you know that I won't ask; as though you trust me not to cross that line. We speak often, and each time that you open up to me, I feel that I've been blessed somehow. I don't want to lose that. I can't. I'm afraid to ruin what we have by digging too deep too quickly. Whatever this is that's unraveling between us, it's far from simple and certainly something that I've never experienced before.

You brought me here to today to help. I have a fear, and you want me to be rid of it. You say I'm strong and unique – remarkable and special. I don't believe you. I've never seen myself as anything but ordinary. Yet the way you look at me when you say these things makes me wonder, makes me doubt. _Could_ I be special? _Could_ I be unique? The only reason I would want that is to be by your side. You see, I know that I'm not the only one afraid. I know that you are too. Of what, I can't possibly know. But perhaps one day, I will find out.

Lately, I feel I haven't been myself around you. I find myself...distracted. I find my thoughts wandering. I find myself wanting to be closer to you. Is that wrong? Should I not feel these things? How can I know? We haven't spoken of any limitations. We haven't discussed boundaries. Up until very recently, I've only seen you as an elder - as a friend that I would do anything to protect. I'm sure you've been comfortable with that.

But I'm not any longer.

"When you mold your mana, shape it evenly," you explain in our small clearing in the forest. "Feel the magic enter you and keep you buoyant. It is much like Force or Rift magic that we use in battle, but this time you will modify it to affect your body." The tone of your voice is hypnotic. I watch your hand motions, completely mesmerized by your long fingers – the beautiful bend of your wrist, the tilt of your jaw, the way your brow furrows when you concentrate. I know that I shouldn't be thinking such things. We came out here to train and practice, yet all I've been able to do for a while now is just stare at you. The way you use your hands to sculpt and chisel mana makes me wonder what it would feel like to have you do the same to me.

Can you? Could you? Would you?

Can you use those hands to bend and twist my desire for you? Could you thread those fingers in my hair? Would you brush those fingernails against my skin?

Instead of mana, your hands could be filled with my unearthly yearning for you. Could you bend _that_ to your will as easily as you do magic?

"It's important to understand balance. The harder you push in one direction, the harder the recoil will be. You must always maintain an even amount of force…"

I try. Creators know I do. But I just can't focus. I want to, but all I can see is the way your eyes shimmer in the light that filters through the trees. This goes against my pride. This hurts my ego. This humbles me. I'm not used to having so little control of my emotions. Not just that, but my body too. I'm eager to learn what you have to teach me, but every time I try to concentrate on the task at hand, my eyes are somehow drawn to the soft curve of your lips. The way your mouth bends and wraps around words in Elven makes my heart flutter in my chest. It's different from the way those of my Clan speak. Even different from the way my Keeper does. There's a primal and ancient rhythm in the way you form the syllables. And then the way you say my name…

"Arianwen…" Yes. Like that. The way your mouth softens; the way your tongue rolls the "r" in it.

Delicious.

Intoxicating.

"Are you listening, _da'len_?" you ask, and I realize that you've noticed my distraction. My knees go weak when you use that word. Haven't you realized that by now?

"Yes, I am."

"Then show me." You raise a brow in expectation. The expression is somewhat arrogant, but I like it nonetheless. There's so much about you that I don't know and haven't seen. You remind me of a new forest – of a wilderness that I have to scout so that I won't lose my way while hunting. But in your case, it could take years to map out all of you.

"Now?" I ask, nervousness making my voice catch.

"Have faith, _da'len_. I will allow no harm to come to you." That promise is real. You always say what you mean when we are together. You may hide things, and there are times when your face bears evidence of sorrows from a past I'll never understand. But in the present, you are always honest with me. That's the only reason I consented to this lesson. It's why I will only trust _you_ with this shameful weakness of mine.

"Alright." I nod and proceed to the edge of the lake we've been practicing at most of the day. I don't miss the way your face darkens with concern. Are you worried about me? I'm sure that as I approach the lake, you can see the fear slowly taking hold of me. You are the only one who knows the truth. I have a phobia of water; I always have. Not only that, but I can't swim. I almost drowned once when I was a child, and the ordeal has shaped me ever since. If this spell doesn't work…no. It must.

I take a deep breath.

"Remember the barrier between you and the water," you remind me. "Wrap the magic around you. Air is tricky. It is fickle. Summoning fire or ice is different. With air, you must be vigilant lest it slips out of your control and turns against you."

"I…Solas…" I glance at you. "I'm…"

…_afraid._

But, I can't just say that. When was the last time I ever admitted being afraid of anything? Not only that, but I don't want to look even more weak or helpless in your eyes. For some reason, your approval means more to me than my own safety. I don't want you to think that I can't handle this. I don't want you to think that I can persevere. When my toes touch the water, I feel my heart jump into my throat. A cold sweat breaks out on the back of my neck. My heart slows, drumming out a sluggish rhythm. The water is frigid. It's the middle of winter. Doubt appeals to me, attempts to make me reconsider my decision. Perhaps we shouldn't do this now. Maybe we should do this on a warmer day. My eyes follow chunks of ice that float atop the surface of the lake. Suddenly, I envision myself trapped beneath them, unable to break free.

"I'm right here," you reassure me, cutting through the voice of my apprehension. I swallow past the lump in my throat, nod, and begin to cast the spell. It's slow at first, but I eventually catch on to the subtle rhythm of the runes and gestures. This spell is basically a barrier, modified slightly to allow for movement and a stronger shield. As the magic wraps around me, I feel a burst of confidence. Perhaps I can do this after all. Experimentally, I take a few steps forward. The water shrinks back and away from me. Soggy mud squishes beneath my feet, tickling my toes as it squeezes between them. I smile. Suddenly, this doesn't feel as impossible as before.

A few more steps.

Then just a few more.

Deeper.

Farther.

As the water continues to pull back and away from me, I bite my lip in excitement. I begin to wonder how far I can push this. I look towards the deeper end of the lake, envisioning what it would be like to be in the water without fearing that it will drown me. If this spell works as planned, the water won't be able to touch me. With the summoned air around me, I will be able to breathe without having to swim. How impressed would you be if I managed to master this today? Would you be proud? Would your eyes linger on me just a little longer than normal?

"That's enough, _da'len_," you warn me. I steal a glance at your concerned face. My hope falters. Why do you look at me like that? Do you think I'm not capable of doing more? That hurts. It stings. I'll have to prove myself to you, won't I? Then, perhaps, you'll look at me more often. Perhaps you, too, will lose focus once or twice in conversation.

"I can go farther," I insist. You frown, but say nothing more. Is it faith? Do you believe in me? Somehow that makes me feel stronger, more capable. I push my fear away as I step farther and farther into the lake. The water molds around my barrier, slipping and sliding against it as though my magic is a pane of glass. The azure glow of it lights up the depths around me. Silhouettes of living creatures appear and disappear in the scintillation of mana and energy. As the water closes over the barrier above me and I'm entirely submerged, I begin to see fish and plants. Algae swirl back and forth like large fans, dancing in the currents. I raise my hand and make a twisting motion, giving the barrier some spin. Steady. Strong. Maybe just a little faster. As the mana swirls around me, the water begins to swirl as well.

At first, I think this isn't so bad. I think, perhaps, if I can continue to do this, my fear of the murky water will subside. As you say, all one needs to conquer fear is to keep company with fear itself. I rejoice. This phobia has always been a shameful weakness. It doesn't belong in my life. Not now, when so much depends on me and my decisions. Anyone who knew of this could use it against me. Well, no more! To think that I might be able to overthrow this shadow in my past…

But then, something goes wrong.

I gasp in panic as the air I've summoned bucks and rebels. I've broken the balance. In my fervor, I've pushed too hard. The barrier begins to spin out of control, pulling in water with violent heaves. It's exactly as you warned me. The air I've summoned is fighting against my control and clamoring for freedom. I panic, try to catch it and stop it, practically shrieking when water penetrates the wall around me and licks at my feet. Icy droplets fall from above, bouncing off my cheeks and soaking my hair.

No. No. No. No!

This can't be happening. Everything was going so well!

I'm tempted to call for help, but I nearly bite my tongue in an effort to keep silent. I have to try and overpower this. I have to try and overcome this obstacle. This is my test. This is _my _responsibility, not yours. I have to climb over this hill. I have to persevere. It's useless though. No matter what I try, I can't regain enough control of the air to reform the barrier. The water surrounds my feet then creeps upward.

Up my legs.

Covering my knees.

Now it's past my waist.

Cold.

Freezing.

Death coming for me.

Creators save me.

My self-control splinters into shards of raw helplessness. My jaw unclenches as fear wins over pride. I open my mouth and scream: "Solas!"

It doesn't take more than a split second. You're here before I can take another breath and call your name again. You appear like a vision of the Gods themselves. No fear. No doubt. Just raw strength and firm control. It's almost like you knew what would come of my folly; almost like you anticipated that I would need you. I expect a reprimand. Yet, you don't scold me. You simply Fadestep into my nightmare, take me into your arms, and fulfill the promise that I knew you'd keep from the moment that you gave it. At your will, the water stops rising. It's as though someone reverses time. Instead of flooding in, the water begins to pour back out. You wrap your arm around me and pull me to your side.

Thank the Stars! You're here; you're warm; you're pushing back the water and casting your own barrier. Your magic collides with mine and shatters it, breaking the whirlpool and allowing the seething, raging waters to relax. Then a pause - a breath as chaos fades and order takes its place. I expect you to take us out of here, but you don't. Instead, we just hang here, cocooned in your barrier beneath the ice. Darkness swallows us. Only the faint light of your magic keeps me from falling into a pit of mindless terror. The water is all around – pressing in, pushing against the wall, yearning to consume us and rip the air from our lungs. It's quiet now – so silent that I can hear my hoarse breathing. I can hear my thundering heartbeat. I can hear my shame wailing to the stars. Can't _you_? Can't you see the terror on my face? Can't you see that I'm unable to breathe? Can't you see that I _need _to get out of here?

"Out," I choke out past sheer horror. "Take us out...please…"

"No," you shake your head, brushing a hand against my face. It's the first time you've touched me so intimately.

I don't understand. Why not? Why can't we leave?

"Please…please, _please_…"

"No." Your eyes are hard and cold, like frozen diamonds. Adrenaline floods my body. I'm saturated with it and thus, I begin to shake. I feel the world closing in around me. An invisible hand wraps around my neck and begins to choke me. I can't stand it anymore. I don't care what you think of my behavior. With a shrill whimper, I throw my arms around you and hold on for dear life, certain that this terror will swallow me whole unless something – or someone – intervenes.

"Creators…Stars above…help me…help me…"

"It's alright, _da'len_," your voice sighs against my ear. "I have you. I promised, did I not? No harm will come to you."

"Please, Solas…_please_ take us out of here…"

"Open your eyes, _lethallan_," you whisper. "Look around you. It's beautiful. Water isn't something to be feared." I shake my head and hide it against your chest. I feel your strong fingers bury into my hair. Your nails slide down my scalp, trailing downwards until I shiver as you caress my neck. More precedents. More touches that have no purpose save to comfort me. How strange. How out of character. "Water is simply an element, just like fire or earth. It obeys our commands. It can be summoned and molded, just as mana can."

"Please…" I beg you again. For a moment, you don't say anything. I can feel your chest rise and fall as you sigh. Then something warm cups my chin and forces my face upwards. Our eyes meet. The blue diamonds have melted. Your eyes are soft now, serene. That's when I notice how the glow around us leaves a halo around your face. It's almost like you are ethereal – almost as though you've come to me in a dream within the Fade. I lose myself within your gaze. It's silent again. But, not cold. Not anymore. Your warmth seeps into me through our embrace. Is that what this is? Are we embracing? Or am I just leaning on you? I always do, it seems. I'm always depending on your strength – on your wisdom and your experience.

"Arianwen?"

No.

Don't say my name.

Not now.

Not when I can feel your heart beating against my breast.

Not when I can taste each of your words against my lips.

Not when we are this close.

I try to pull back, but you stop me with surprising force.

"Solas," I murmur. Whatever else I have to say is lost forever. It happens in an instant, and the situation is so improbable and unexpected that my rationale scatters to the four winds.

Your lips cover mine – gentle and hesitant at first. Then harder. And even harder. I can't believe it when you pull me closer. I can't fathom it when you let out a groan full of desire and need. The sound is like a drug, and my body echoes the feeling behind it as though it were a mirror to your soul. I arch into you; I melt against you. Kiss by kiss, we shed the boundary that separates us. Touch by touch, we venture into territory that is perilous and ill-advised. I can't think of that though. I can't think of anything. The water has disappeared. The fear has disappeared. Stars…it's as though _everything_ has disappeared.

Everything but you.

My hands slide up your chest, tracing the ridges of your muscles and coming together at your shoulders. So broad. So solid. When your thigh presses against the curve of my hip, my voice breaks and crests over a moan. Your passion washes over me in a wave of tingling sensation. You drink in my kisses as though they are the final sustenance on this vast earth. You taste my tongue as though sampling fine wine. And your fingers. Stars. They are everywhere at once. On my neck, then my breasts, then my waist, and finally – my hips. When you squeeze, I lose feeling in my knees. My legs give out, but you don't let me fall.

Instead, you catch me and pull me up against you, dragging me up your torso then pillowing my breasts against your heaving chest. The friction causes me to gasp. I ache for your touch; I'm ready to beg for it. A tug on my hair urges me to let my head dip back. As I obey, you reward me a fiery lash of your tongue against my earlobe. Gods. Creators. By the Void. This is too much. I'm drowning, but not in water. It's you. _You _are drowning me in more pleasure than I've ever felt. I'm losing myself. Piece by piece, I forget what it's like to breathe. Gasp by gasp, I forget what it means to live as an entity separate from you.

Somehow, even though I don't know where to find my voice, I chant your name. I cry out for you. When you pull away, the motion isn't abrupt. It's full of reluctance. Your eyes speak volumes to me. Some things, I can understand. Others may take more time to know. Through a haze, I see that your barrier is still swirling around us. Its soft blue glow illuminates the water. At last, I see what you meant earlier. The currents sway around us. Fish lazily circle around the sphere of magic. And the cold…well. It has no hope of touching me while you hold me like you do. Beautiful. All of this is beautiful. How could I have feared it? How could I have spurned it?

"Are you still afraid, _da'len_?" I shake my head then feel my cheeks flush.

"If I say that I am, will you kiss me again?"

"I would kiss you regardless," you smirk. The way your eyes sparkle when you say that makes my breath hitch. Your voice is low and husky, even a little hoarse. So, I'm not the only one who is being swept away. For that, I am relieved.

"Then, no. I am not afraid. When you hold me, I have nothing to fear." I don't know what my words do to you, but I know they have a powerful affect. I've triggered an emotion in you that you aren't prepared for, and I don't mind when you try to hide it behind another kiss.

It's alright.

One day, I will know.

One day, I will understand.

One day, I will end your sorrow and your loneliness.

Your hand in mine is something that I won't let go of, no matter how much fate might wish me to.


End file.
